BFF criticizes my wedding plans?

by DIY wedding planner on May 3, 2012


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My fiancee and I been together for 7 years. He proposed a couple weeks ago and we decided to elope. BUT family really want us to have a wedding. After talking we made the decision that we could do a small ceremony and reception with family. Our small family list has ballooned to 125 guest, yes all family. :D
My best friend was obviously happy to know that I am getting married. That is until I discuss the details of what I want.
I said outdoor beach wedding. She says no, do a estate or mansion?
I said the wedding date is in a couple months 5 months exactly, she says no wait at least a year?
I said simple dress especially being beach theme, she wants extravagant gown.(bridesmaids)
I say I want it to be small budget and DIY and she goes back to: you should wait.
I am not doing it small because of money issues. We just like simple and easy.
I like the cute ideas of DIY stuff. I am SIMPLE.

I was not even engaged for a week and she had booked a dress appointment somewhere almost 2 hours away at an expensive boutique, got alot of wedding magazines and spammed my phone with pictures and ideas. Im usually patient and thankful, but its becoming too much. I got my dress for $400 and told her because I was excited I got the dress I loved and for a better deal than I originally saw. She sounded as if I was cheap and said that the same price as a bridesmaids dress? What?

My fiancee and I have been happy doing our own planning. He is so into it I love it. Whenever my phone rings and it is her. I kind of dont want to pick it up because I know she will criticize any of my new ideas.

She called me yesterday and out of the blue says so we need to start planning your Vegas bachelorette party? uuummmm thanks but Im more low key and want to do a party with That’s friends. Thats too far to bring all those girls. She says wait? who? ohh youre sister has to go and your sister in law too?

My older sister (25) asked me what I wanted and after talking about my wants we decided to a Burlesque/ Moulin Rouge theme party. ( Very cute idea you have to check it out online for ideas <3 it!!) sooo my BFF says do you want something small and dainty? or big like Vegas??!!

Man oh man, I dont know how to break it to her without hurting her feelings. What should I do???

Thank you for hearing my rant, now I feel better.... That is until she calls!! aaahhhh LOL

{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

GettinHitched 10-2-11 May 3, 2012 at 5:31 am

She’s just very excited for you and probably isn’t anywhere near getting married herself. So she feels like she can live vicariously through you since you’re her bff. Just meet up with her for lunch and ask her to just listen for a while, and explain all this to her. If she’s a true friend, she will be open to backing off a bit and letting you live your life on your terms.

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life_xo May 3, 2012 at 6:29 am

tell her to get over it and when she gets married she can have all of these crazy things and maybe even a pony! haha but seriously, let her know that while her assistance is appreciated and her enthusiasm adored, you want to keep things the way you like them because it’s your wedding.
You’re going to be someones wife, step up and let her know how you feel.

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Mimi B May 3, 2012 at 7:11 am

I think it’s pretty safe to say that you need to stop worrying about HER feelings here.

It sounds like you have been clear about what you want for YOUR wedding. It’s time for you to stand up for yourself and tell her that, while you appreciate her help and her suggestions, she’s making you feel overwhelmed. You know what you want, you don’t appreciate the criticism of your smart and budget-friendly plans, and that this will no longer be allowed to continue.

I have a friend JUST LIKE THAT. She thinks she’s never going to get married (I can’t say that I disagree, at this point) so she wants to live vicariously through me… Unfortunately, that means that she thinks that she should plan the whole thing. She’s tried to veto everything… from MY wedding dress to the bridesmaids dresses to the MOH/Best Man decision (we decided not to have either of them) to our flowers, to our venue, to our VOWS…

I mean, this stuff is out of control. I asked her politely to stop several times. When she didn’t, I had to be firm. I told her that this WILL NOT, under any circumstances continue without consequences. If she continues to try to change our plans or even insult them, then she can just step down as a bridesmaid and no longer be involved in ANY part of the planning.

The fact of the matter is that our friends – your friend and my friend – weren’t being very good friends. Bridesmaids especially are supposed to SUPPORT you through this process, not dictate said process in its entirety. Your friend is NOT being supportive. She’s being a bully.

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SmokySpires May 3, 2012 at 7:29 am

She has definitely overstepped her boundaries as a friend. She may be your best friend but she needs to know that she is making what could be one of the happiest moments of your life into something highly unenjoyable. It seems to me she is projecting what she wants for herself onto to. I think a clear, honest message is needed here. Tell her you want this wedding to be YOUR dream and not hers. I would also let her know whether or not you would still like her help in planning. If you do not want anyone else’s help besides your fiance’s, then tell her. It’s not often a man gets into the planning of a wedding, you are lucky! Don’t let her ruin this for you or you will regret it for the rest of your life. Remember, this day is about your love for your fiance, it’s important that you get to express it as you feel is appropriate!
I like the ideas you have, I had an intimate wedding and reception and it was very enjoyable because I got to choose what I wanted. The simple beach theme is awesome!

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Nora May 3, 2012 at 7:43 am

she needs to back off. tell her so

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thedreamweaverwolf May 3, 2012 at 8:01 am

your wedding do it your way

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Leslie May 3, 2012 at 8:45 am

She sounds too excited for your own good!
Sit her down at lunch and tell her how much you genuinely appreciate all of her input/ideas/opinions/inspiration for the wedding BUT how much it means to you to do it YOUR way.
Personally i think your ideas are better**
Be gentle – she is obviously just trying to help – be sure to give her something she CAN help with… maybe helping you pick out invitations or planning the menu/food? Maybe she’s a beer connoisseur? Let her pick a few special beers to be served in addition to the solid “go-to’s.” Maybe she is a real music whiz – give her a list of do’s and don’ts for your playlist and let her have at it.
She’s eager to help – take advantage of it!

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planner May 3, 2012 at 9:04 am

sounds as if your friend is a little bit controlling. if you stop and think about it, she probably has controlled many aspects of your relationship and so it seems natural to her to try to control this as well.

you should let her know that you are going with your own ideas and that while you appreciate all of her great ideas and imput, could she please channel all her creative energies into helping you to accomplish the wedding you and your fiance are planning.

people who are like this normally have no idea that they are being offensive and really do just want to help you. but you will be doing her a huge favor if you can help her to see that helping others is about helping them get what they want or need, not about imposing one’s own wants or needs on them.

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Loving Life Now May 3, 2012 at 9:30 am

You will make great decisions for your wedding, and she will understand

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Messykatt May 3, 2012 at 10:27 am

People are being kind of hard on your friend. Yes, she’s overstepping bounds and inserting herself where she shouldn’t, but it’s obvious she’s just overly enthusiastic.

If she’s that close of a friend, you should be able to explain this to her, because nobody knows the pressures of wedding planning, and all the outside influences kicking in, unless they’ve done it themselves. Just tell her this. And as for specifics, tell her you need her help and advice on a lot of things, but once your mind is made up, she needs to support whatever you’ve decided.

Also, another thing to keep in mind (that you wouldn’t tell her) is that this kind of non-stop pressure will eventually cause you stress. And that poses the risk of impacting your relationship with your fiance, and/or he’ll suddenly realize he’s not having as much fun planning this wedding as he was. This happens a lot. So you do have to reign her in.

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Saya May 3, 2012 at 10:47 am

She wouldn’t even by my friend anymore unless she sorts herself out.

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BloopieBlooper May 3, 2012 at 11:29 am

Sounds like she is super excited and her own wedding is far, far away. That is sweet and all but she sounds like a nightmare. You have already tried talking to her and she isn’t getting it. She shouldn’t be in your wedding with this behavior, attitude and wanting to exclude your sister and sister in law.

Something tells me you already don’t have much of a backbone. You wanted to elope, you decided to have a wedding. So okay you wanted a small wedding and now it’s going to be 125 people. So something tells me you aren’t going to keep this girl out of the bridal party. For goodness sake do yourself and your other bridesmaids a favor and at least don’t ask her to be the Maid of Honor. Ask someone who is on the same page with your or at least respects your decisions. Makes sure to give that person ample warning that there is a Bridesmaidzilla on the loose and to please not let her run over her ideas for the Bachelorette and/or Bridal shower.

Then send BFF an email that says, “Thanks for your ideas. It’s sweet that you’re so excited. As I’ve mentioned, we’re going in another direction but I look forward to your future wedding! It’s going to be the event of the century! :) I will let you know more details of the bridesmaid dresses after I pick them out and will give you more details as they come up. Fiance and I have some very specific ideas and he is very involved in all aspects so we’ll be making some decisions once we get time to sit down together and talk. I’ll keep you posted on what I need from the bridesmaids. As for the shower and bridal party, Vegas is a no go. Not my thing. Other than that, I am leaving it in the hands of Maid of Honor, sounds like she is taking care of it. I don’t know what she needs help with so ask her. Thanks! x0x0″

After that, stop responding to her emails and texts. As for the Bachelorette and Bridal Shower it’s nice that you are so “low maintenance” as you claim, but really those parties are thrown for you by people who love you. You don’t really get to micromanage every detail, other than saying no to destination and overnight parties. If you don’t trust the person hosting the party to do something you will like, don’t accept their offer. Stay out of it and trust your Maid of Honor to throw something simple. Otherwise, decline the offer of the parties in the first place.

If your friend continues to try to control the situation, she needs to be asked to come as a guest and not be part of the wedding. She shouldn’t be booking dates to look at dresses, that is absolutely absurd. Don’t attend with her, don’t respond to her, that would be condoning the behavior. Let her play dress up and fantasy wedding all she wants, but when it comes down to it you have to tell her “No.” Stop including her in the planning and asking for her opinion and she will not have an opportunity to shoot down ideas or control things. Share your plans with your Maid of Honor or family members. By no longer sharing plans and discussing it with her, you are sending the message that she is not helping plan your wedding and will most likely cut it out. She cannot argue with you if you don’t respond. She cannot pick out the dresses if you pick them out first and send her an email with where to get the dress in her size. I really wouldn’t even ask her to be a bridesmaid until some time has gone by and you see a change in her behavior and know she is going to chill out. If she doesn’t chill out, why bother even putting her in the wedding at all? Too much stress.

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girlofmanyquestions May 3, 2012 at 11:35 am

This happened to one of my best friends Rosie and her fiancee Tom.
I told her the same thing as I’ll be telling you. With her it worked, BTW<><><><>
Okay, so, next time she calls you, and tells you one of her new expensive ideas,this is what you should say:: Thank you for your ideas but this is my wedding, and I would like it if you just let me plan it with (fiancee’s name). I promise I’ll let you in on everything there is to know, but sometimes, I just need a little time to plan for myself.

Or something like that.
Hope I helped!

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Nicolette L May 3, 2012 at 11:53 am

I think she wants to live through you so she could experience of plan a wedding. Plan a wedding is really fun. Anyways, have a lunch with your best friend and tell her about how you feel about her throwing eggs on your ideas, it’s YOUR wedding, not HERS, and she gotta back off a little bit but her help in your wedding would be great as long as she respects your ideas and let you plan the way you want it to be! If she completely understands that and then that’s good! If not, I shall leave it to you! I hope you have a wonderful day when you finally get to marry your boyfriend! :-)

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Mama23Girls May 3, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Take her aside and say “You’re my best friend. We’ve been through so much together and you know me so well. So you know that the ideas you’re throwing at me aren’t my style. I love how excited you are, but I just need you to tone it down. This isn’t just my wedding but my (fiance’s name) wedding too and we just want simple and cute not fancy, not expensive.” If she gets upset tell her that you’re writing her ideas down so that when she takes the trip down the aisle you can help her plan her dream wedding, but this one is yours not hers.

Good luck!

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cjsmummy May 3, 2012 at 12:58 pm

your best friend can plan HER wedding and hen party how SHE wants.this isnt her wedding,its yours.quite frankly,if any of my friends did this to me,i would drop them.oh wait,i did!

seriously,she can tell you what she thinks,but its up to you – shes being rude.i would just say ‘thats nice,but its my wedding so well go with what i want ‘k?’

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